The tears, they keep a fallin'

My tears they keep a fallin' 

Bad things from the past keep on calling

Because all I can think about is you... 

Hmmm. It's been a couple years and a hundred drunken nights

 since I've penned down

a song or even really played my guitar and sang a tune or two. 

Even now, there are just some things my heart isn't in. 

Today wasn't a horrible day. 

I slept a lot (which in my world is NEVER a bad thing) and 

then had Mexican food and watched a movie with 

some of my girlfriends/cousins in law. 

But tonight, my mind won't stop turning and my eyes won't stop leaking. 

I've been listening to old western songs and thinking about my dad. 

The music conveys the feelings in my heart so accurately. 

I miss him terribly. 

Recently I wrote a post in memoriam about my dad; and while I have made progress

on being in a healthier place, it's still never easy. 

Peace of mind is a hard thing to come by... luckily I don't have these

emotional upheavals every night like previously. 

There is something fortunate in that. 

Tonight my thoughts simply dwell on the fact that I just really miss my dad. 

I wish he was here... there is so much in my life he is missing and so

much he will never be here for. 

I don't mean the big life events... like grandchildren or me graduating, those kind of things. 

For me it's the little stuff. 

Like hearing an Emmylou Harris song and thinking it's the most fabulous thing my ears have ever 

heard, and then making my dad listen to a mixtape of all of her songs. 

 Or just coming into my old home and seeing my dad there 

and hearing him call me 'Vern' (a long story... please tell me you've 

watched an Ernest P Worrell flick?).

Today I wished I could have just drove out to my parents just to sit

on the couch and hear him talk. 

Those are the kinds of memories my heart holds onto. 

Instead I listened to a voice message I saved on my cell of 

my dad telling me Happy Birthday two Decembers ago. 

I'm not sure that was necessarily a great idea. 

Not really a bad one though either. 

I'm at a loss. 

I don't know what to do to make myself feel better except keep 

keep living. Some days I feel like I am just shuffling through life

waiting for things to return to normal. 

And I realize that my life isn't going back to the way it was.
I don't have that normal anymore.  
In spite of that, I am slowly starting to enjoy things
in my life again. 
That is the biggest triumph for me
through all this; that I can live. 
And enjoy it.