New Grad Musings

So here I am. 

I have been on my own for a month so far as a new nurse. 

If you are a new grad suffering from poor confidence and anxiety, I totally feel you. 

But things do start coming together, I promise! 

It starts becoming easier to get all those med passes done, patients assessed, 

charting completed, making those numerous phone calls, dealing with so many people... 

There are still a lot of times when I question things. Luckily I work with a good group

of nurses who let me bounce ideas and situations off them so I can get feedback. 

It's better to ask and look stupid over something
that might be simple rather than keep your mouth shut and have a bigger problem crop up.


 ('Why are you calling me about a blood pressure that has a systolic of 170?
This patient has hypertension') 

('Because for the last 3 days since they've been admitted the systolic has been trending 
around 140 and they are complaining of a headache')

*Audible sigh over the phone*
(Okay, give blah blah blah...)

From a legal perspective, it's better to speak up about something that worries you. 

Even if the physician doesn't do anything or gets irritated at you for calling, they at least 

are notified and you can 

document you had the conversation so your butt is covered too. 

I am superbly aware that some of the things I call or ask about

seem like they aren't a big deal to others... but hey, I've 

been a nurse for like, four months. 

My priority is that my patients are safe, and that includes safe from 

any potential errors/mis-judgement on my or any other staff's part. 

If you aren't sure when to call the doctor, ask another RN. Get some advice. 

In my case, it's been a saving grace for me and actually a couple of my patients. 

Today I got put on call, so I should use that time to study for my Tele program

final that's on Monday. Blah. I would rather just sleep :)

Paddling the 'yaks

Today was a glorious day. 

That's right... I said GLORIOUS. 

I know that's a word usually reserved for 

like, a Greek god. Or something. 

BUT, today I took my kayak down the Verde River with my 

friend Rita in tow, and I have to say it was a perfect day. 

Not too hot, a little windy, the water not too cold, perfect clear-green. 

We saw lots of butterflies, turtles, herons, finches and blue jays. 

It was a nature-gasm. 

Plus I spent it with one of my dear friends who is back home until tomorrow.

My favorite kind of day. 

I grew up paddling the Verde River with Dad; a long time ago when I was 

a kid he used to own a river guide service (River Otter Canoe Co.) that rented

river equipment and would guide people down the Verde (which, if you go

far enough, can get pretty ugly in some places). 

Being on the river doing something he used to love makes me feel closer

to him. I wish I had taken more advantage of 

his knowledge; I have pictures of the guy

going over waterfalls and class IV rapids like nobody's business. 

He also knew the local river like the back of his hand. 

So, today I was glad I got to get out and do something we both enjoyed doing together. 

 Paddling the lower run from White Bridge to Beasely Flats

Have you ever had a pair of Chacos? BEST RIVER SHOES EVER. 

 A turtle perched on the rocky bank; he was a little disgruntled I paddled so close

Rocking the braided pigtails! 

Love how green and pretty the view was today

Our take out at Beasely Flats... 

Now that I am properly sunburned and hungry, I am off to meet Rita for 

some chow and then I need to study. Tele class tomorrow! Eeeeek! 

Jaunt to the Biltmore

Happy Memorial Day Weekend! 

After being sent home early from my shift on Friday, I ate 

some lovely home-made pizza prepped by Mama Sue. 

After dropping her off at the Mesa Airport

I was off to relax at the Arizona Biltmore Hotel. 

The grounds are breathtaking; everywhere it was green with tons of flowers

and beautiful architecture. The hotel was designed by Albert McArthur, not Frank Lloyd Wright as 

most people mistakenly believe... although FLW was consulted about 

the resort's design and his influence can definitely be seen. 

One of the water sprite statues on the grounds...

The room we stayed in was a regular guest room; and I was sad to say that

the aging hotel is in desperate need of a little TLC. It's to be expected

when staying at an older/historic hotel the rooms will 

be a little 'dated'... which I love older things. 

I do NOT love peeling wallpaper, moldy plumbing under the sinks, cracked tile, etc. 

I enjoyed staying there simply because of the good food, amazing pools, and stunning gardens. 

Next time

I will have to try one of the suites or the Ocotillo club. 

Anyway; back in the Verde Valley and just grubbed on a burro from the 

Verde's most famous Mexican food restaurant; which is

this delicious place. Feeling stuffed and ready to wear some stretchy pants. 

Sensitive Me.

Who got sent home early from work? 

This girl did! 

Actually I kinda didn't want to go home early today. 

I had two patients that were having a rough time today. 

Lots of tears, mean doctors, and bad news. 

I couldn't really do much to fix either of their 

situations except be kind and try to be reassuring.

It's not like they depend of my presence or anything, but still...   

I just felt really shitty leaving them. 

It was one of those days where when my patient started crying

I felt tears coming. For some reason both of them 

just moved me that way. 

I think everyone just needed some extra love today.

I think the rest of my afternoon will be invested in 

listening the soundtrack from 'The Darjeeling Limited' 

and getting ready to spend the weekend in Phoenix. 

Below is one of my favorite quotes of ALL TIME. Very fitting for today. 

The Dreaded NCLEX...

So. 

Inevitably you will have to take the dreaded NCLEX to get your licensure as an RN. 

If I can pass the dreaded NCLEX, you can too.

You will hear a lot of rumors about the exam, some of which will increase your

anxiety and some of which will make you feel better. 

For me, some of the 'facts' I heard about the test from other students 

turned out to be completely wrong. One of the tidbits 

I heard from another student was that she heard the NCLEX was 

practically all about knowing drugs. 

Which, when I took NCLEX, I found to be inaccurate and was worried about 

knowing all the medications for nothing.
I also first heard the test is only 75 questions... which it can be if
you are answering enough questions correctly.

To find out what the NCLEX standards are, how adaptive testing works, and all that jazz, buy

an NCLEX prep book like Kaplan or Saunders. These will explain how the 

test works and what you need to do to prepare.  

There are also NCLEX prep courses you can 

take that have classroom instruction and most

of the packages include extra materials for reading and 

online question banks so you can practice. They will also go over
how the test is scored, what to expect, etc.



Don't believe all the rumors you hear. And don't let someone else's experience get you down!

Personally, I decided to take the Kaplan course online to prepare for NCLEX and followed

the study plan they outlined based on when I was taking my test. 

For me, I felt it was money well invested. 

Kaplan teaches you how to use a 'decision tree' on how to pick the right

answer during NCLEX. If you decide to use Kaplan, 

I'll let you know out of my 75 question test that 

I only used the 'decision tree' maybe six or seven times. 

BUT, I felt the course was worth it simply because the questions

they have are so difficult I felt I was getting good practice. 

The question banks are good and the classes they have do help with review

of medications, diseases, nursing process, and so on. It's kind of a 

cumulative review of things you learned in school. Plus

you have all the extra study material. 

Also, if you don't pass you get your money back. 

If that isn't for you though, don't fret. I know some new grads who never took a prep course and 

passed just fine. They
bought multiple NCLEX prep books and practiced questions.
Just make sure that you are practicing questions that are considered
difficult enough to be at NCLEX level.
Basic knowledge questions that don't require a lot
of critical thinking are the type of questions that aren't
going to help you pass NCLEX. 

My advice is to not change your study habits. If

you have habits that were helping you pass in nursing school, 

rely on those to help you through NCLEX.
Personally, I only practiced the questions for 30 minutes at a time, took a 15 minute break, then
studied again. I repeated this pattern until I got
a solid 4 hours or so of practice. This is what
I did during school; taking those breaks helps me maintain sanity. I also
had to study in a quiet place away from home so I didn't get distracted.
The only different thing I did was this time around, I only
practiced questions.
I didn't have time to re-write a bunch of notes or re-read my textbooks much.

Just practice questions, go back and review if you need to. Try not to panic.

This started to happen to me about two weeks away from the test when I wasn't
scoring very high on the Kaplan practice tests. Then I just went
into the 'acceptance' stage of grief and told myself to just do the best I could.
Don't freak out or exhaust yourself with studying.
 That's a recipe for burnout and unhelpful testing anxiety.


 If you are doing questions on a specific body system and find you are missing 

them consistently or already know your weak spots, go back and review

your textbooks or make some notes.
 Based on my study outline for Kaplan, I studied for about 4 hours a day for

about 4 weeks before I took my NCLEX. Some 

days in that 4 week period, I took breaks where I 

didn't study at all so I wouldn't get burned out. 

I didn't study the day before the exam, got enough sleep, ate breakfast, and then just took 

my time answering the questions.
I made an occasion of going down to Phoenix to take my test,
and spent my time relaxing and just having fun. That mentality helped my anxiety.



When you take your test, dress comfy. Make sure you've
eaten so you aren't hungry while you are in there. Follow
the directions the testing center gives you to a T.
While taking the test, do NOT let your anxiety take over.
Read the question and make sure you understand what
it's really asking you.
Take your time. 
An example is 'what's an appropriate diet for a patient with this disease process?'
Reading the question though, I realized there was NOT any diet restrictions for a
patient with this disease, so the answer was what reflected a normal balanced diet.
Tricky tricky.


There were questions on my test that were completely over my head... like, I was
almost sure there were a couple drugs on mine that didn't exist. Never even

heard of them before. There will 

also be things on there you maybe didn't study in school. That's okay. 

Make educated guesses... do the best you can if you don't know. And don't change your answers.

I will say that my 

test had a lot of 'alternative' type questions (select all that apply, listening to 

an audio recording of lung sounds), so practice those. They will

be on there. 

As far as content, it can be anything and everything you learned in school. You may have 

a bunch of alternative questions, obstetric topics, medications... whatever. 

After taking the test, you will probably feel like you failed. 

All of my friends felt the same way after taking it.  

Even though mine shut off at 75
 (which is the minimum number of questions needed to pass),
I figured maybe I was 

the dumbest person ever and missed every question so my test ended the 

agony at 75 (which theoretically, can happen).

At that point, I honestly had no ***** left to give because I was so tired of 

studying I was just glad it was over.
I did try the Pearson Vue trick, where you try and re-register for the test. It won't let
you if you've passed. That's what happened for me, BUT there are
some who the trick doesn't work for. 

So just relax, take a deep breath, and don't count yourself out until you actually

hear from Pearson-Vue and the State Board whether you passed or not. 

Study hard and stay focused! You survived the hell of nursing school and
you deserve those RN initials after your name after all that hard work!

You can do it! 

Best Buddy Wedding Bliss

Yesterday afternoon I got to witness two important people in my life

tie the knot at Indian Creek Ranch.

Jarrod has been a long-time close friend of

mine and I am honored to call his new wife Katrina a friend as well.

It made my heart tingle to watch these two pledge their love

for each other... it was truly a beautiful and blessed day.

Jarrod and Katrina, I wish you all the blessings in the world. Thanks

for inviting me to be part of your special day. I am truly grateful to

have you both as my friends. I love you both dearly!

The newly wed's first dance :)

 Me and my best amiga Robyn enjoying the reception after a long day

of doing wedding duties.

Dear Robyn,

Thank you for carrying my shoes... and laughing at my Nacho Libre references.

Also thank you for helping me make breakfast for multiple hung-over amigos.

I luff you!

In Memoriam

Today marks one year since my dad’s death; on May 16^th of 2012 I lost the person most important in my life to suicide. The past year has been incredibly difficult and even now I still work through my grief everyday and attempt to come to terms with something that was so unexpected.

Since then I have been granted a label that I never wanted; a suicide survivor. In this case, the term refers to a person who has lost a loved one to suicide who has to cope with the aftermath. Over the past year, I have dialogued with hundreds, if not thousands, of individuals who have had lost someone to suicide.

Suicide is a serious epidemic. I refer to suicide as an epidemic because taking one’s life is nearly always the result of untreated mental illness. Depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, whatever… all of them are true diseases in the same sense that congestive heart failure or diabetes are. Our brain is a plethora of chemistry like the rest of our bodies… any deviation in the chemistry plus environmental factors are a recipe for mental disorders that can wreak havoc on an individuals life.

Many disagree with me. I hear frequently that depression and suicide can be avoided if people choose to be happy or think more positively. A person who is depressed would certainly do that if they had the healthy mentality to do so. Depression and other mental disorders prevent you from being in complete control of your thoughts, which is terrifying if you really consider it. Suicide for those people isn’t really a choice they make as much as it’s the only way to find relief. It is the only option. It’s also my belief that suicide isn’t the selfish act people claim it to be. I sincerely doubt that the majority of individuals who commit suicide do it to make another person’s life difficult. It is the result of intense suffering, something that I know too much about these days.

It’s unfortunate suicide isn’t a topic openly discussed, not to mention any type of mental illness. Watching the news and current events, I find it interesting that we see people commit atrocious acts against other human beings, yet we never make mental health the priority. People are made scapegoats for political agendas like gun control, religion or lack of it, and other issues but never is there an outcry for better psychiatric care in our country. To me that speaks volumes about how we view the mentally ill and how their health isn’t a priority. I hope that agenda changes in my lifetime.

 While I am knowledgeable about mental illness, that knowledge doesn’t negate the pain of losing my dad. For me, it was an event completely unexpected and intensely traumatic. I was unaware my dad had been suffering from depression and was having a terrible time coping. It has taken a long time to come to terms with his death and how it occurred; I also had to accept I was person changed because of it.

Like others who have had a similar loss, I had very confusing reactions to my dad’s suicide. Guilt mainly, but also anger and intense grief because it was a death that was senseless, unexpected, and preventable.

Even now, I still have those emotions from time to time. I have had to work hard at grief recovery so I could reach a point where I could reflect on his death in a way that wasn’t unhealthy and damaging to myself. It’s very easy to blame yourself when a loved one commits suicide. It’s actually too easy to accept responsibility and tear yourself apart because you weren’t able to save that person’s life. The regret is incredibly intense.

My mentality is in a better place now. Although my grief hasn’t gone away by any means and I do feel severely depressed from time to time, I feel like I’m not suffering anymore. I have learned to forgive myself, be open with myself about my feelings, and find peace within myself that I can accept the things I can’t change.          

When I first started writing about my experiences (under a pen-name for my privacy), I never could have contemplated how my thoughts and experiences would be relatable to others. But that is my hope. Loss (any type whether it’s death, divorce or new changes) can be painful. It’s the unavoidable part of being human, and our response to loss is completely unique. My encouragement is to find ways to cope with your loss without distracting yourself or avoiding the pain. You have to face it, and sooner rather than later because unresolved pain can and will disrupt your life.

Get into yoga, talk with friends, find a good psychologist to converse with, read books about healing and inner strength, write, find a support group, listen to sad songs by The Smiths that make you cry out every emotion you’ve ever had, pray to God, whatever. Do the things it takes to save your life.

Besides the things listed above, I was on the receiving end of a thousand kindnesses that made this whole thing much easier to deal with.  My dad’s many friends helped make his sunset memorial service the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. One of his contractor friends helped me repair my roof and refused to take any payment. Even just recently at a birthday party, my best friend’s mom made sure to tell me that she knew it would be a hard week for me, and that she remembered. She was praying for me. I am so grateful for the compassion of others, which is something I try to pay forward in my job as a nurse. Kindness is something we all deserve and we are more than capable of giving it to others.

It will be a year today since I lost my dad, who was the most important person to me. I wish I had made that known to him before he died. I wish I could have told him how much I loved him, and shown him that love more often like he deserved.

Don’t let someone in your life remain unaware of how much they mean to you… we have no way of knowing when it’s our time to be called home to God or when the ones we love will be gone. Fill your heart with thanks for the people in your life. For myself, I will always hold in my heart the gratitude for my dad and the legacy of love he left behind.

Why is BBQ so good?

Today I got woken up by Jock. Someone decided it would be lame if I slept in and decided

to rub his stinky face all over me while I groaned and told him to go away.

Eventually I got up after being assualted non-stop for 15 minutes.

I'm at my mom's place right now watching the animals while

everyone in my family but myself is in Colorado for

my brother-in-law Marshal's graduation.

I am jealous.

Today I found a new barbecue stand off Main St. and Mingus Ave. that set up shop today.

I stopped by and had a delicious pulled pork sandwich with a side of coleslaw.

It was super good, the pork was so juicy I almost died of happiness.

Also, the tea was pretty rad too. I will definitely have to go back.

Now I'm back after my jaunt into Cottonwood relaxing and studying ACLS.

I stocked the fridge with my favorite beverage; sparkling blood orange juice.

This stuff is THE best.

So even though I don't have Colorado, I have sparkling juice and BBQ.

Not too shabby.