Sadistics

Right now I am working on

getting my BSN/grad school. 

 

Literally right now I am 

laying in bed with my 

computer, a facial, and 

trying to relax for a bit before going to bed. 

 

But as I said before, currently I am 

taking classes to get my bachelors in nursing

and also taking some graduate level classes on the side. 

One class I am in

right now is statistics. 

Which I call sadistics.

Because a sadist decided this 

class is needed for me 

to be a better educated nurse. 

Baloney I tell ya.

 

Now. I know school is a lot

of hard work, dedication, and commitment. 

But sweet hey-sus 

this class literally 

gives me headaches. 

Real headaches!

I have to lay down with a washcloth on my eyes

and take 4 ibuprofen for the pounding 

to stop.  

 

Not to mention the ridiculous amount 

of work the instructor gives us. 

It's an online class, so I feel

like she's compensating for the 

fact we use our notes and textbooks. 

But I spend more time 

on this class than I did 

on some of my classes in nursing school. 

You know, those classes that taught you

how to NOT kill someone? Keep people alive? 

Yeah, I spent less time on that and am spending

more hours a week on 

studying probabilities and testing hypothetical

data sets for confidence intervals... blah blah blah. 

 

I loathe this class... if that isn't apparent to you yet. 

I literally procrastinate in every 

possible way to put off doing work for this class. 

Then cry bitter/panicked tears of regret when I 

have to stay up all night working on an assignment

two hours before it's due. 

 

 

Anyways. 

The only thing that made me laugh

while I was stress-eating my way through

a bag of Uncle Eddies Vegan Cookies 

was reading Allie Brosh's 

book, Hyperbole and a Half. 

I highly recommend reading it. 

It's hilarious. 

Colorful language... and by that I do not mean

potty mouth words.

It even has pictures. 

What's not to like?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sighhhhhhhhhhh.

Today work was a doozy. 

An emotional doozy. 

I ran into an old friend from high school

today on the unit, who 

was there to see a family member on hospice who

had just passed. 

I called their name and just ran up and gave 

them a huge hug. 

All I could say was 

"I am so sorry". 

When my dad died, I remember 

hearing that over 

and over. 

And when I watched my friend walk away

into the room to say goodbye, 

all I could think of

was the overwhelming pain 

I felt when my dad died. 

Terrible. The

worst thing I can imagine

and the last thing

I would wish on anyone. 

The rest of the day I just kept thinking

about that encounter over and over. 

I was actually assigned to be that hospice patient's 

nurse. But I knew

I couldn't do it... 

I would not be able 

to focus on my other patients and 

give them equal attention. 

It sucks. 

But it's necessary and ethically responsible. 

Then at the end of shift, my coworker 

told me about a patient we cared for had died

a few days ago. 

And I immediately teared up. 

I remember that patient. 

I remember her daughter (who is very young)

holding her mama's hand

and crying. 

She was devastated to see her mom so sick. 

I remember hugging her

tight and whispering it would be okay. 

I bought her a candy bar and a soda

and let her play with 

my stethoscope. 

And fuck. All I can think about is 

how nothing is okay for that young girl

and that patient's family now. 

 I stopped being a wuss and finished giving report. 

I am home now. 

And still thinking about the hearts 

breaking tonight. 

The body is so resilient, but it is

paradoxically very

frail. 

Sometimes my job is really depressing. 

But I still find meaning in everything I do 

and I hope in the 

great scope of the universe, 

it counts for something somewhere, 

to someone. 

Prayers to all those tonight who are 

going through heartache, my thoughts are with you.

Scrubs

I enjoyed my 

days off this weekend

going out for drinks

with some friends from

the lab department, 

cooking dinner for my mom and I, 

grocery shopping, laundry, 

and indulging in a Netflix

marathon in bed. 

My three shifts at the end of last week

resulted in a wrenched back

so I was hobbling around

Friday night like a Disney witch. 

I filled out an employee

injury form, went to the urgent care, 

got a glorious Toradol shot (seriously, 

my back felt like a million bucks the next morning) and 

watched 'Scrubs' on Netflix. 

I have always loved the show 'Scrubs'. 

I loved it when 

I was in college and wasn't even in nursing yet. 

But now re-watching all the episodes, 

I realize how much 

some of moments

in the show reflect my 

feelings about my career. 

Over the weekend watching the show, 

I have laughed the loudest I have in 

months. I have also found myself unable 

to stop tears from flowing

during some of the heart wrenching episodes.

I was watching the episodes 'My Lunch' and

'My Fallen Idol'. And I have to tell ya, 

I was sniffling like 

I had just stepped 

on a hundred Legos. 

In these episodes, one of the 

doctors is able to get organs for

three of his patients that need transplants. 

After everyone gets their new organ, come to 

find out the donor died of rabies and 

all the recipients die due to complications.

In the situation, the patients needed

 transplant immediately

and the donor wasn't tested 

for rabies due the 

fact that death from rabies is incredibly rare.

And Dr. Cox, their doctor that procured

their organs, has a total breakdown

and blames himself. 

 Now... many people who 

do not work in clinical medicine 

and deal with patients everyday 

will always have something to say 

about how doctors and nurses 

are ultimately responsible 

for every outcome a patient has. 

And we are. 

But the thing about people

is they are completely unpredictable. 

Every person is a snowflake... none of 

us are exactly like another. 

And sometimes medical professionals

aren't able to know exactly how 

every situation will turn out. 

We diagnose, we predict, we use our 

education to direct a patient's care, 

and we work our asses off and

 hope for the best. 

I had a moment like Dr. Cox... 

Months ago, I was assisting 

a surgeon with a bedside procedure; putting 

in a chest tube. 

Everything was going great... 

until the patient started 

to gush blood out of their month. 

I had no suction, I didn't have a vitals 

cart nearby, 

and I wasn't able to see the patient's

cardiac monitor because we don't 

have them in the patient rooms yet. 

The patient ended up being intubated and 

sent to ICU. 

I don't know for certain, but I am pretty sure

she didn't make it. 

For days afterwards I kicked myself.

Ultimately, there was no way 

I could have foreseen she would have had 

that type of complication. 

Typically a chest 

tube insertion is a painful

procedure, but the patient feels 

relief because they can actually breathe again. 

Under the circumstances, 

I did

the best

I 

could. 

I still have moments like that. 

I constantly review situations

with patients to see if there is something 

I could have done 

different or better. 

I have started studying again 

all the things I learned in school

so I keep my memory fresh. 

My point is... I value human life, 

and when one ends because treatment doesn't go

as planned or a misjudgement was made, 

myself and others don't 

walk out the door with a smile on our face. 

We aren't always able to sleep at night. 

We think about the 

people in those beds

when we go home. 

We worry about them. 

And some of them, we never ever forget. 

 

 

 

 

Friendsies.

Home from a busy day

on the floor. 

NG tubes, watching monitors

while my coworker pushes IV haldol

on crazy ladies, 

discharges, and having a

nurse be a grump grump because

he was getting three new admissions. 

I got home and found an email from my

best friend with a link to theberry.com

that had all of these quotes, gifs, and 

pictures. 
They all had to do with
strength, overcoming
adversity, 
and not feeling ashamed for 
doing what makes you happy.

I started crying. 

It was a thoughtful thing to send me... 

I haven't been at my best

the last few months and 

someone in my life gets it. 

And she is supportive.

All I can think is how grateful 

I am for the good people

in my life. 

Thank you Robyn :)

Your friendship means more to me than you'll ever know. 

The voice inside...

Over the past 

six months I have been 

questioning my every turn. 

Last fall, I 

made the decision to move out

of my home that I had lived in

for four years. 

I decided to remove myself

away from a person

who I had a 

relationship with, but

for some reason

it ceased to be functional, healthy,

and happy. 

Since I have moved out on my own, 

I have made attempts at communication, 

amending past hurts, and most

of all admitting

that I was as much at fault too. 

Sometimes though, 

apologies can't undo the

damage two people

have caused to each other. 

Last night tears just constantly leaked

out of my eyes as I tried to fall asleep. 

I have had worse

moments of self doubt, 

but last night at 

the time it felt like I was

screwing up my life in the 

worst way I ever had. 

Eventually 

I came to realize

that this isn't a mistake. 

I couldn't tell why, but the gut

feeling I had was

that no matter what 

I would be happy. 

My life would be good.  

I am making

a choice to 

be on my own. 

It's what is needed. 

I can't explain it... it's the same gut feeling

I get at work when I sense a patient is going to crash, or when

I can tell someone is yanking my chain,

or like when my dad died and that day I woke up feeling not quite right.

 So I fell asleep finally. And today I woke up and read my 

book of Shel Silverstein poems. 

I cracked a huge smile when I re-read 'The Voice Inside', 

which is one of my favorites and I look at often. 

If I listen to the voice inside, keep my faith,

and stay grounded I know that

everything will 

be 

just

fine.

 

The things you learn....

To be honest, there are some moments at work when 

I really hate my job. 

 Or to be more precise, I hate the stress

that comes with it. 

In no way did my education prepare

me for what being a nurse was truly like. 

There is nothing more

frightening than having a person's life

depend on your skills and judgement. 

There is also nothing more

rewarding than helping

another person

on the road to recovery. 

At least a few times a shift I grumble over

something.

It could be my patient's IV pump going off for the 

eleventh time even though I primed and flicked

every bubble out of the tubing. 

Or it could be that I was informed 

that yet again, we have 

to do more redundant charting so Medicare

will reimburse us... it takes more time

away from my patients. 

Possibly it could be the nurse

I am giving report to who turns it into

an interrogation session (excuse me, this

is not Guantanamo Bay)... but when she 

gives me report she tells me they are 

a FULL CODE and they have an IV site. Thanks? 

Or, it could be a patient's

girlfriend who went to medical assisting

school and has decided

she will be making all of the 

patient's decisions for him. 

She makes us stop his antibiotics for

his cellulitis

and wants to sign him out against

medical advice. 

Apparently they don't teach in medical assisting

school that cellulitis

can lead to sepsis which

can kill you. 

Rough stuff. 

These things just barely brush the surface of what

drives me to the brink

of insanity everyday. 

There are also moments I will never forget.

There is so much that has happened to me in

my first year of nursing... I honestly should write a book.

Like the first time I had a hospice patient and

a family member hugged me and said

thank you when the patient died. 

I cried in the bathroom five minutes later. 

Or the moment when an off-coming nurse

told me a man's girlfriend was rude to the 

staff and very annoying. And my first encounter with 

her I wasn't very nice. 

Until I saw she was just riddled with anxiety and

stress. I felt so ashamed of myself I 

got her a cup a coffee with a double shot 

of "I am very sorry for my behavior this morning". 

She forgave me. I was lucky. 

 

 The time I delivered a baby at work

when I haven't been on a labor and 

delivery floor in over a year

as an intern. 

A blue breech baby with a cord around it's neck

and the placenta already out, and somehow

the resident physician and myself

managed to get him to take a breath after I caught him

and got the cord off his neck. 


Or, last week I walked my patient
around the unit (which was difficult only
because this guy had drips and lines and drains
everywhere), made his bed, and helped him wash up. His
wife brought me a Starbucks coffee from our coffee
shop and told me I was a good nurse. 
And I felt like one because for once I was
able to spend time with all of my patients.

I complain about my job a lot. My amazing friend and fellow RN Jennifer and I 

spend many a hour talking about how we would change

things if we could, 

or how we will both end up 

in a psych ward

doodling butterflies in crayon

while being heavily sedated with haldol. 

But the fact is, nurses and doctors and other clinical 

staff have the rare opportunity to change

someone's life. 

Sometimes even save one.

There aren't too many jobs, nay careers, out there

that give that kind of reward. 

Although my job has made me Queen of the Eye Roll, 

it's also made me a better human being.

It's given me some experiences I would never have had 

anywhere else or in any other

capacity. 

And to me, that is worth more than a paycheck. 

My supervisors surprising me with an award

after delivering the parking lot baby.

A grasp on gratitude

Taking Missy out for walks 

is kind of how I like to 

indulge my brain. 

I just let random thoughts 

stream through my brain without interruption. 

 

<I wonder what it's like to be a narhwal>

<I actually felt like a great nurse on my Friday shift>

<I wonder if my calves will fit in my new boots>

<Why do lizards like to hang out in my sink?> 

 

blah blah blah. 

 

I haven't had a chance to go out

recently, so naturally my mind is full 

of anxiety-ridden thoughts and 

frustrations. 

My soon to be ex-permanent-roommate has succeeded

in making my life thouroughly

unpleasant. I spend hours every week 

doing statistics and calculus homework 

that I honestly don't really understand

but just do the formulas

so I can get semi-decent grades. 

And I HATE it. 

 I go to work and deal with fellow 

nurses who try to walk all over

me because I am young

or are lazy and don't 

take care of their patients. 

And then they get irritated when I have the 

cojones to question their

judgement or put my foot down. 

 

I've realized that I have

come to depend on my time

with my perro as the

one chance I get to concentrate

on other things. 

Just breathing, pondering, walking, navigating, 

and occasionally chasing 

my dog who is chasing a fox. 

 

I am lucky. 

I am lucky to have good things to reflect

over during those hikes. 

My life isn't terrible. 

I have so much to be happy about. 

 

Taking time for yourself (like hiking with the dog) to reflect

on the good stuff is a step towards a happier life.

 

Whhhhhaaaaaat a blur...

Jeesh. 

I haven't written on here in many moons. 

Time flies when life is full. 

In my world, everything has been turned upside down. 

Relationships have changed, 

I have become better at my job, 

I'm selling my house, and have 

been on a personal journey

to try and be the person

I have always wanted to now that

I have no one in my life making me feel 

bad about who I am or the choices I make. 

As Nacho Libre would say, "It's fantastic!". 

So. In the last four months I have... 

<bought a pair of Old Gringo Boots>

<been asked to be the Maid of Honor at my best friend's wedding>

<delivered a baby in the hospital parking lot>

<moved to Cornville in a charming one bedroom casa>

<gone to Disneyland with two of my favorite friends>

<gone hiking all over Sedona>

<gotten in a car accident>

<been a new auntie to my newest niece Reagan> 

<filed my taxes... woohaaaa!> 

<binge watched New Girl> 

Those are just the highlights for now. 

Currently my life is changing in big ways and I

am just rolling with it.