In Memoriam

Today marks one year since my dad’s death; on May 16^th of 2012 I lost the person most important in my life to suicide. The past year has been incredibly difficult and even now I still work through my grief everyday and attempt to come to terms with something that was so unexpected.

Since then I have been granted a label that I never wanted; a suicide survivor. In this case, the term refers to a person who has lost a loved one to suicide who has to cope with the aftermath. Over the past year, I have dialogued with hundreds, if not thousands, of individuals who have had lost someone to suicide.

Suicide is a serious epidemic. I refer to suicide as an epidemic because taking one’s life is nearly always the result of untreated mental illness. Depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, whatever… all of them are true diseases in the same sense that congestive heart failure or diabetes are. Our brain is a plethora of chemistry like the rest of our bodies… any deviation in the chemistry plus environmental factors are a recipe for mental disorders that can wreak havoc on an individuals life.

Many disagree with me. I hear frequently that depression and suicide can be avoided if people choose to be happy or think more positively. A person who is depressed would certainly do that if they had the healthy mentality to do so. Depression and other mental disorders prevent you from being in complete control of your thoughts, which is terrifying if you really consider it. Suicide for those people isn’t really a choice they make as much as it’s the only way to find relief. It is the only option. It’s also my belief that suicide isn’t the selfish act people claim it to be. I sincerely doubt that the majority of individuals who commit suicide do it to make another person’s life difficult. It is the result of intense suffering, something that I know too much about these days.

It’s unfortunate suicide isn’t a topic openly discussed, not to mention any type of mental illness. Watching the news and current events, I find it interesting that we see people commit atrocious acts against other human beings, yet we never make mental health the priority. People are made scapegoats for political agendas like gun control, religion or lack of it, and other issues but never is there an outcry for better psychiatric care in our country. To me that speaks volumes about how we view the mentally ill and how their health isn’t a priority. I hope that agenda changes in my lifetime.

 While I am knowledgeable about mental illness, that knowledge doesn’t negate the pain of losing my dad. For me, it was an event completely unexpected and intensely traumatic. I was unaware my dad had been suffering from depression and was having a terrible time coping. It has taken a long time to come to terms with his death and how it occurred; I also had to accept I was person changed because of it.

Like others who have had a similar loss, I had very confusing reactions to my dad’s suicide. Guilt mainly, but also anger and intense grief because it was a death that was senseless, unexpected, and preventable.

Even now, I still have those emotions from time to time. I have had to work hard at grief recovery so I could reach a point where I could reflect on his death in a way that wasn’t unhealthy and damaging to myself. It’s very easy to blame yourself when a loved one commits suicide. It’s actually too easy to accept responsibility and tear yourself apart because you weren’t able to save that person’s life. The regret is incredibly intense.

My mentality is in a better place now. Although my grief hasn’t gone away by any means and I do feel severely depressed from time to time, I feel like I’m not suffering anymore. I have learned to forgive myself, be open with myself about my feelings, and find peace within myself that I can accept the things I can’t change.          

When I first started writing about my experiences (under a pen-name for my privacy), I never could have contemplated how my thoughts and experiences would be relatable to others. But that is my hope. Loss (any type whether it’s death, divorce or new changes) can be painful. It’s the unavoidable part of being human, and our response to loss is completely unique. My encouragement is to find ways to cope with your loss without distracting yourself or avoiding the pain. You have to face it, and sooner rather than later because unresolved pain can and will disrupt your life.

Get into yoga, talk with friends, find a good psychologist to converse with, read books about healing and inner strength, write, find a support group, listen to sad songs by The Smiths that make you cry out every emotion you’ve ever had, pray to God, whatever. Do the things it takes to save your life.

Besides the things listed above, I was on the receiving end of a thousand kindnesses that made this whole thing much easier to deal with.  My dad’s many friends helped make his sunset memorial service the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. One of his contractor friends helped me repair my roof and refused to take any payment. Even just recently at a birthday party, my best friend’s mom made sure to tell me that she knew it would be a hard week for me, and that she remembered. She was praying for me. I am so grateful for the compassion of others, which is something I try to pay forward in my job as a nurse. Kindness is something we all deserve and we are more than capable of giving it to others.

It will be a year today since I lost my dad, who was the most important person to me. I wish I had made that known to him before he died. I wish I could have told him how much I loved him, and shown him that love more often like he deserved.

Don’t let someone in your life remain unaware of how much they mean to you… we have no way of knowing when it’s our time to be called home to God or when the ones we love will be gone. Fill your heart with thanks for the people in your life. For myself, I will always hold in my heart the gratitude for my dad and the legacy of love he left behind.