A couple days ago I went to the cemetery to
visit my dad's grave.
After he died, I put flowers there for Fathers Day,
and then didn't go back for several months.
I'm not sure why I avoided going exactly... I think
mainly because I knew it would
be so painful, and I was trying so
hard at that time to just keep it together.
I was trying hard to not cry so much all the time.
Later, I felt enormous guilt for not going more often.
I didn't want to be rude towards my dad for
not visiting his grave... I had
this irrational guilt that I was being hurtful to him
by not visiting.
Anyway, I try to go more often now. I
go and anticipate I will cry a lot and
generally feel terribly sad and hollow for
the rest of the day.
The other day was no different, except maybe
that a sticker got in my flip flop and
I cursed VERY loudly and creatively.
I brought yellow sunflowers for my dad,
because as far as flowers go, they were the manliest
type available at the Safeway.
I will go back again soon...
I don't feel any closer to my dad being there,
but it is nice to have an area with
some type of physical memorial to him.
A place to lay sunflowers,
a place to visit.
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