Sighhhhhhhhhhh.

Today work was a doozy. 

An emotional doozy. 

I ran into an old friend from high school

today on the unit, who 

was there to see a family member on hospice who

had just passed. 

I called their name and just ran up and gave 

them a huge hug. 

All I could say was 

"I am so sorry". 

When my dad died, I remember 

hearing that over 

and over. 

And when I watched my friend walk away

into the room to say goodbye, 

all I could think of

was the overwhelming pain 

I felt when my dad died. 

Terrible. The

worst thing I can imagine

and the last thing

I would wish on anyone. 

The rest of the day I just kept thinking

about that encounter over and over. 

I was actually assigned to be that hospice patient's 

nurse. But I knew

I couldn't do it... 

I would not be able 

to focus on my other patients and 

give them equal attention. 

It sucks. 

But it's necessary and ethically responsible. 

Then at the end of shift, my coworker 

told me about a patient we cared for had died

a few days ago. 

And I immediately teared up. 

I remember that patient. 

I remember her daughter (who is very young)

holding her mama's hand

and crying. 

She was devastated to see her mom so sick. 

I remember hugging her

tight and whispering it would be okay. 

I bought her a candy bar and a soda

and let her play with 

my stethoscope. 

And fuck. All I can think about is 

how nothing is okay for that young girl

and that patient's family now. 

 I stopped being a wuss and finished giving report. 

I am home now. 

And still thinking about the hearts 

breaking tonight. 

The body is so resilient, but it is

paradoxically very

frail. 

Sometimes my job is really depressing. 

But I still find meaning in everything I do 

and I hope in the 

great scope of the universe, 

it counts for something somewhere, 

to someone. 

Prayers to all those tonight who are 

going through heartache, my thoughts are with you.