Scrubs

I enjoyed my 

days off this weekend

going out for drinks

with some friends from

the lab department, 

cooking dinner for my mom and I, 

grocery shopping, laundry, 

and indulging in a Netflix

marathon in bed. 

My three shifts at the end of last week

resulted in a wrenched back

so I was hobbling around

Friday night like a Disney witch. 

I filled out an employee

injury form, went to the urgent care, 

got a glorious Toradol shot (seriously, 

my back felt like a million bucks the next morning) and 

watched 'Scrubs' on Netflix. 

I have always loved the show 'Scrubs'. 

I loved it when 

I was in college and wasn't even in nursing yet. 

But now re-watching all the episodes, 

I realize how much 

some of moments

in the show reflect my 

feelings about my career. 

Over the weekend watching the show, 

I have laughed the loudest I have in 

months. I have also found myself unable 

to stop tears from flowing

during some of the heart wrenching episodes.

I was watching the episodes 'My Lunch' and

'My Fallen Idol'. And I have to tell ya, 

I was sniffling like 

I had just stepped 

on a hundred Legos. 

In these episodes, one of the 

doctors is able to get organs for

three of his patients that need transplants. 

After everyone gets their new organ, come to 

find out the donor died of rabies and 

all the recipients die due to complications.

In the situation, the patients needed

 transplant immediately

and the donor wasn't tested 

for rabies due the 

fact that death from rabies is incredibly rare.

And Dr. Cox, their doctor that procured

their organs, has a total breakdown

and blames himself. 

 Now... many people who 

do not work in clinical medicine 

and deal with patients everyday 

will always have something to say 

about how doctors and nurses 

are ultimately responsible 

for every outcome a patient has. 

And we are. 

But the thing about people

is they are completely unpredictable. 

Every person is a snowflake... none of 

us are exactly like another. 

And sometimes medical professionals

aren't able to know exactly how 

every situation will turn out. 

We diagnose, we predict, we use our 

education to direct a patient's care, 

and we work our asses off and

 hope for the best. 

I had a moment like Dr. Cox... 

Months ago, I was assisting 

a surgeon with a bedside procedure; putting 

in a chest tube. 

Everything was going great... 

until the patient started 

to gush blood out of their month. 

I had no suction, I didn't have a vitals 

cart nearby, 

and I wasn't able to see the patient's

cardiac monitor because we don't 

have them in the patient rooms yet. 

The patient ended up being intubated and 

sent to ICU. 

I don't know for certain, but I am pretty sure

she didn't make it. 

For days afterwards I kicked myself.

Ultimately, there was no way 

I could have foreseen she would have had 

that type of complication. 

Typically a chest 

tube insertion is a painful

procedure, but the patient feels 

relief because they can actually breathe again. 

Under the circumstances, 

I did

the best

I 

could. 

I still have moments like that. 

I constantly review situations

with patients to see if there is something 

I could have done 

different or better. 

I have started studying again 

all the things I learned in school

so I keep my memory fresh. 

My point is... I value human life, 

and when one ends because treatment doesn't go

as planned or a misjudgement was made, 

myself and others don't 

walk out the door with a smile on our face. 

We aren't always able to sleep at night. 

We think about the 

people in those beds

when we go home. 

We worry about them. 

And some of them, we never ever forget.